Today on HTP, Caitlin posted about the weight loss emails that we all get this time of year, reminding us to be vigilant about what we eat, and how to control portions, and not to go overboard, because if you go overboard you are bound to feel guilty.
At the end of her post, she asked “Who’s with me? Anyone else tired of the guilt-driven mentality?”
This post envoked a lot of emotion and thought. Granted, I normally could give a care about calories around the holidays. It’s once a year. You eat the cookies and move on.
This was my reply:
I agree with you, but I wish I could believe in it personally. Since I’ve moved away from home, I’ve gained 20 pounds. 20 pounds on top of a weight that was already high to begin with. I haven’t worked out since my surgery, and I find it a struggle just to walk up my 4 flights of stairs to my flat. And I know the bad choices were mine, like no one else could see them. I made choices I would have never made- like it was a holiday. Maybe those emails are like a reminder that this is the holiday season, not an excuse to have your healthy habits derailed for good? Perhaps it is just me, and having spent my self worth over how I look and a number on the scale….. I think I lost my point somewhere.
At any rate, I hope some day I can have a healthy mind and body and attitude toward food, and look how I feel I should on the inside.
But right now I feel guilty. I feel guilty with every extra calorie (and there have been a lot of them) that I have consumed. Before moving here I would never eat fried fish more than once a week. I wouldn’t eat shortbread like it is going out of style. Scones wouldn’t have replaced my yogurt and cereal breakfast fare. It was like moving gave me the reason to eat whatever and whenever I wanted.
At first, before we got the flat, it was ok. We were walking a ton, it was warmer, and it was usually one crap meal. But now I find myself doing it more and more. I try to make good choices in the grocery store. I will buy my Activia and clementines and fresh veggies. But it always doesn’t end so good.
It’s like moving here has given me the excuse to just eat and eat b/c no one I really know can see me and hold me accountable. Should others be holding me accountable or is that for me to decide?
I have a lot of thinking and working to do around food and about myself.