(Again I ramble. My apologies. I’m writing from the heart here; all my logic has been lost on my 4000 word paper.)
I’m an emotional wreck today. The painters are in (LMAO I love that euphemism) and that has a lot to do with it. There is also this issue of a 4000 word paper due tomorrow that I feel is shite.
Alas, that is not the real reason I’m emotional. At least not 100% of it. I feel overwhelmed. I feel confused. I’m scared. I feel sad and lonely and I miss my family and my best friend and my other close friends. And unfortunately my gf ends up bearing the brunt of my irrationality. Which isn’t right or fair. So I am trying to do all my sad song listening, Vale Decem sobbing, and more sobbing while she isn’t home.
Fear and shame have driven me inside myself since June of 2004 and I am not sure I can ever find the person I was 4 years before that- the person who I liked (and perhaps was liked in return) and was confident and happy (I thought, at least somewhat happy) and while I was still as emotional and needy and whiny and whatnot then, I was thin and I had a great life ahead of me. So I thought. I also wasn’t scared to go out in public, well in bigger public than the grocery store or be in a social situation. (Not that there have been many of them in the past few years- and every time there is one, there doesn’t seem to be enough Ativan to cope.)
I found out then, that for the few months I was “thin,” that it didn’t change my life. I didn’t have a million dollars. I didn’t have a boyfriend who looked like Tom Brady with the humanity(and voice) of David Tennant and the humour of Dustin Pedroia. I had a nicer body that I worked hard for, but everything else stayed the same. I still had to pay the bills and take out the trash. I still made bad decisions. Really, really horrible, bad decisions. (One that I can’t forgive myself for.) I still cried. I still was scared to be alone.
And here I am 10 years later. I may have achieved a lot (of weight gain once again) and I may have earned my M.Ed, but I still haven’t found my place. Due to economics or me just being me, I haven’t had a job longer than 2 school years. And now with cuts across the globe, I’m ever more worried about prospects after I finish my second Master’s degree and where I will end up.
Will 2011 be my year? Will they find a reason and a fix for my headaches? Will I be able to go out to a social event without feeling like everyone is looking at me and judging me and laughing at me? (and can I do it sans meds?) And will I have to do it alone? I hope not.