Confessions

I have some confessions to make.  It has been a long time in coming in posting this- but I was reluctant to, as the last time I made a post of this type someone anonymously pretty much told me where to go with my issues and it hurt,  A lot.  And they had to be a reader or former reader as they would have never have seen it otherwise.  And while they may have been partially right, it hurt that they felt they had to do it behind anon.  So this post will be f-locked, but if you have something to say or advice to offer, just say it.  It won’t be any harsher than what does go through my head on a daily basis.

In no particular order…and probably not very coherent either……

Pain, anxiety, and pills:

1.  I never saw John Barrowman in concert when I got here:  I had the tickets and was ready to go.  I just couldn’t.  I was in pain.  I was anxious.  I was afraid to go alone.

I don’t even know if this was a result of the social anxiety I face or the pain, or the fact that I actually couldn’t be arsed to get out of bed.  *sigh* It is a regret.  I don’t even  know what was with me that day.  I flew across the ocean to Scotland all by myself, and yet I couldn’t walk down the street to the train. (Granted, at the time I had no idea it was that easy; I was still getting used to the transport here- BUT I could have asked someone or I could have taken a taxi.)

Granted when I flew here I was doped up on xanax (don’t judge) so much I was lucky I knew my damned name.  But I didn’t want to have a panic attack on the flight, so preventative measures were needed.

And maybe that is part of the problem.  The anon person said I needed to go to rehab.  Well- maybe I do.  Maybe I don’t.  My mom’s nurse friend gave me the xanax, and it wasn’t like I had 1000 of them or took them all at once.  But what about the pain meds they said?  Well- unless you count the paracetamol and codeine that I can buy OTC here, there aren’t any to deal with the pain I have on a daily basis.  No oxy, no vicodin, no t3’s.  I was weaned off the T3’s by my neuro and PCP in the US before my surgery.  After the surgery I was given vicodin, but it takes a lot of vicodin to get me high.  And that was a total of what 30 pills after having what pretty much was 2 pounds of skin and flesh removed from my body and my nipples taken off and sewn back on.  (yes TMI I know) Yeah, I think 30 vicodin was needed.

The doctors here have given me tramadol for my headaches, but I haven’t had any since before Christmas since the office is closed.  I am on a wait list to see a neuro here.  My breasts seem to be ok and where they should be.

So what is the issue?  I don’t know.  I think a lot of it is lack of vitamin D, sunshine, and exercise.  (I’d go buy some more vitamin D but I have 5 quid to my name until I get my loan or a hardship loan from the uni (and who knows when they open again- damned bank holidays.  I should have gone into finance and moved to the UK a long time ago.)  Maybe there is something more wrong with me.  Maybe I was just homesick and scared and tired then.  I don’t know.  I know I regret it.  I know for me, it is mind over matter and once I actually get out of the house 9/10 times I am ok.

2.  Since my surgery I have not worked out at all.  And I have gained a lot of weight on top of a body that does not need more weight.

It makes me sick to look at myself now.  I look pregnant.  I look awful and feel awful.  I need to take control of this and soon b/c if I do not I am not sure I will able to get control.

I read healthy living and workout blogs and then I sit down and eat some ice cream.  I hate leaving the apartment b/c coming home means 4 flights of stairs and JFC it hurts.  I feel like shit trying to go up the stairs and feel like my heart is going to give out.   It is awful.  I don’t remember feeling this awful when I weighed 225 and I am rapidly approaching that place again.  If I don’t take control I could be over and past that mark by the end of the month.

I paid for a gym membership at school but it is a mile away and I have to walk there.  Yes, not a big deal, but then I have to walk home after working out.  Again, not a big deal, but I’m lazy- hence the weight gain.  I wish it was just easier.  I wish it was easier to not eat the ice cream and the this and that and the other.

I knew it was going to be harder after the surgery to workout, but I can’t even get started.  I am not sure if it is being lazy or afraid of hurting.  Or both.  I do know that most of my clothes don’t fit and I feel terrible.  Everything hurts all the time.  I think I have frozen shoulder syndrome as a result of the surgery and not using my arm for a long time.  I think I have some sort of foot issue from being so heavy.  I’m terrified of ending up like someone on a Discovery special …… I know how to start and be successful, I just can’t seem to motivate myself to do it.  But I’m scared to not start as well.

It has been mentioned that I see someone to help me with these issues, which wouldn’t hurt.  But I am not sure how much it will help.  I have seen people in the past and all it has succeeded in doing is making me more pissed off about the situation and never helping to come up with ways to SOLVE or address the issues I have.  Maybe they were rubbish, maybe it is me.  Maybe I just need to STFU, and DO it and stop whinging on and on about “OMG my life it sucks…” when people are homeless and hungry and ill and have a way more shite life than I do…. I don’t know.  I do have perspective.  I know it could be worse.

3.  I haven’t made any friends since I moved here.

At all.  Not a one.  Now, all my life I have had a few close friends.  Period.  Never a large group really….. and it seems I always manage to fuck something up somehow and end up with one or 2 or all alone……It doesn’t help that I am older than a lot of people in my classes, and a lot of them are from China or the Middle East and tend to stick together.  The few people I have made acquaintance with….. are nice and all, but I really hoped to make friends from Scotland.  Nope not a one.  I know people can find me offputting in class b/c I come off as a know it all and raise my hand and ask questions and always comment and everything (not 10 mins before the end though!) and I am probably *that girl*in class that you want to throttle- but I want to get the most out of this education- and there is one area I’m not bovvered by speaking up and out b/c well I am going to be paying this off for EVER so I am going to speak up.

But no, no friends.  And that has consequences on my relationship as well.  I just wish I knew how to meet locals who are cool and like Doctor Who and DT and House, etc.  We went to a cosplay event and no one was there.  We have gone to a pub quiz, but it is hard to meet people there since people tend to be in their own groups- what we need is a Scottish friend(s) to help us out on those ?’s we have no friggin clue on……LOL anyways……

It doesn’t help I have no idea how to talk to people.  It was very evident.  Kyrina had a friend visiting for the past few days and I had NO idea how to talk to her or what to say and just over compensated by making sure her bed was comfy and the flat was clean.  I just felt stupid.  I’m 35.  I should know how to have a conversation with someone.  Augh.  I just felt so…… thick.

I am very grateful for all of my online friends and for my wonderful girlfriend [info]kyrina for putting up with such a neurotic mess.  <3  And I hope this new year brings about the changes I need.

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