another week gone

and another 2lbs up.  🙁  I have no idea what is wrong with me.  It makes me want to cry.


I’m afraid I’m going to become a hermit or a recluse or one of those people who can’t get out of their homes b/c they are too fat.

All I want to do is eat.  Food tastes good and it is easier than admitting I’m bored or tired or in pain or lonely or the fact I miss my mum or any number of things.

That going out now is so fucking exhausting and I don’t want to b/c I have to go up all those stairs when I get back and it is so painful and it hurts.  Everything hurts.  My shoulder, my head, my ankle.

The scale keeps going up and up and up and  it  makes me wonder why I bother and why I even exist.   Stephanie is going to leave me b/c I am so fat and she can’t even want to be with me.  I don’t even want to LOOK at myself anymore.  It’s why I don’t bother with makeup anymore.  I have to look at myself to put it on.  And I can’t be bothered to put on a mask.  I’m too down and low to even bother b/c I know it; how hideous I am and what a waste it was for that surgery.

I should be close my goal weight by now.  Not 30+ lbs heavier than a year ago.

Living sucks.  I don’t know how to do it anymore.  I don ‘t know how to cope.  I don’t know how to be happy.  I feel sick because of how I’ve ended up but I don’t have the energy to fix it.  Just walking to uni is exhausting.  Just getting up is exhausting.  Writing this paper that is due in a week is exhausting.

I am just so drained and emotional.  I know I must be grieving, but I don’t even know how to do that right.  I just miss my mum…..  no more phone calls or birthday cards.  No more Red Sox games.  I just want to hear her voice.  I just want that time back. I am so angry at myself.  And I had no closure and I am so so so angry. I just wish she could tell me it was going to be ok.  Just one more time.

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