Mind games

A lot of the reasons for my lack of success (and self esteem) is because of all of the mind games I play with myself.  I still mentally see myself (sometimes) as the girl who lost 85 pounds, not the girl who lost 85 pounds and gained it all back.  While this should be good for my self confidence, all it takes is a look in the mirror, or an ill fitting top to change that mind set.  That and how I compare myself with others and just feel worthless and jealous, even when I do not mean to be.

I also have issues when it comes to food.  I *know* I should eat well.  It is a no-brainer.  But that doesn’t stop me from eating poorly or making bad choices.  People say to say to yourself that you don’t need that cookie/ice cream/sweet/etc, and to remind yourself it is a bad choice and there are healthier choices out there.  And even when I remember to say that to myself, or remind myself that eating xyz is not going to help me lose weight, I STILL DO IT ANYWAYS.  I still do it.  Now why is that?  Is that a lack of self esteem? Is it not caring?  Is it being self destructive?  Is it just that it tastes good, and why shouldn’t I eat xyz?

I just don’t know.  Maybe it is a combination of all those things.  Maybe I just feel worthless about my life and  eating is a solution to my problems, at least temporarily- even if it isn’t.

I try to remember how awesome I feel after spinning or running and keep that with me and let that inspire me to make better choices.  And for some reason it doesn’t.  I could sit here and psychoanalyze myself until I am blue in the face.  I think about how I lost weight before, and well my life situation was a lot different.  I had a full time job where I could have my egg white omelette made for me every morning and a healthy salad bar to choose from every afternoon.  My diet was restrictive and boring and repetitive, but it worked.  I do wish I could go back to that way of eating and that mentality, but I worry that I will just end up doing the same thing I did before, which is to just go crazy after I lost the weight.

I try moderation now, but that doesn’t seem to work for me.  I am so all or nothing it seems.

What I do know, is that I need to be more mindful, be more aware, and think now.  Otherwise…..I just don’t know.


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