Please do not read if you are offended by the liberal use of the f word (and all its cognates) or if you don’t want to read about my screw ups and probably my terrible spelling b/c I am typing in a rage.
1. I think I totally fucked up my dissertation. I’ve never written one before and I was given no real guidelinews- I was told just to do it. Well that is what I did. And I have been writing it like an essay- actually more like how the book I hope to write using this as background would go. Which apparently thanks to Steph and her finding a book on writing a dissertation, (PHEW) IS WRONG.
I’m supposed to have a research question and a method. Well you see, after I came back from ther states there wasn’t time to get my research approved, so I have just been doing it as an essay, not with the planned way I had with the research and the bunnies and everything. (Ok no bunnies, but whatever).
So now I need to figure out if I can salvage the 10K words I have written without having to start over when I have about a week, 2 at the most to finish.
Of course my advisor is away until Friday. FML.
2. The above is all my fault. I just have had such a hard time getting back in to it..since I came back from the states…and I just want to cry and yell and scream because I am very fucking angry. I fucking miss her and I hate this and everything. It is not fucking fair. And before you ask, I have talked to someone, 2 someones in fact and it didn’t help. I am sorry but there is no in your time of need angel sitting on my fucking shoulder right now. I think that is a load of bollocks- no disrespect to those of you who believe that, but I don’t see it.
3. I have no idea what I’m doing. I have no idea what is going to happeb after this dissertation- if I can pull it off and get the degree and get into the PhD program. Good. Brilliant. Fantastic. But if not….well I am not sure I even *passed* one of the classes b/c of the way the things are graded here, I just don’t get…..
4. I suck at asking for help. I’m almost 36. I should GET it by now. I should be independent and have it down. But I still manage to fuck it up- mainly b/c I don’t know how to ask for help.
5. I’m terrified of what will happen if I have to go home. I know I have talked about this before but where am I going to go? What am I going to do? Will I be able to find a job?
6. I have sucked at eating well, drinking water, and haven’t gone to the gym in ages.
7. I haven’t even had time to write about how I met David Tennant and how he is soft and smells like heaven, which sums it up really.
8. Lastly, it would really be great if fucking grandpa would shut the fuck up about certain people. No one wants to hear you shoot your gob off. And now you are ruining one of my favourite shows. NO LOVE.- me.