Positivity, the elusive thought process.

I know I’ve asked this before, and I am sure this has to do with why I have few friends, and fewer blog comments.

I’m a negative Nancy, or call it what you will.  This is generally how my thought process is on any given day.  I generally have a running commentary constantly going on in my head telling me what a whale I am (have you seen yourself lately), go on eat that brownie, it isn’t going to matter, you can’t lose weight, you can’t even walk up the stairs.  There is no reason to anyways.  No one loves you or ever will.  You saw that in your past relationships.  You were nefver good enough even when you did lose weight- the 6 months of your life when you were skinny and popular and ran with the in crowd, remember that, when your life had value- it was because you were thin, now look at you, no wonder you have no friends, no life, and are alone and a failure.  You gained all that weight back and more.  I knew it wouldn’t stick.  This is what happens when you run away from your problems, you just create new ones.  You are going to end up deported and homeless.  What is going to happen when you?  It doesn’t matter, no one is going to notice or care.  Even if you do get back to the US and dont end up homeless, who is going to hire you?  You can’t hold a job?  No one wants to hire you.  They’ve been blackballing you since the beginnning b/c you suck as a teacher. What’s the point?  Why do you even bother getting up anymore?  Your dissertation sucks.  It’s disjointed and boring and you are never going to get to 20,000 words.

Yes, that is what goes through my mind, in the background ALL DAY and has for what, 30 years?  I’ve never been positive.  I’ve never been really told I can do it.  I’ve never had moral support that I’ve accepted and listened to, b/c I really do not believe I am worth it.  I had 2 failed engagements before I was 30, as well as filing for bankruptcy.  I have never been able to manage money.  I never gave my mom more grandkids before she died.

This people, is my life.  I know it has to change, but I do not know how.  Please, please do not ask me to go and see someone.  One, no money.  Two, the councelling at uni isn’t open over the summer, and three, I’ve tried before, and to be honest it is one of those things that just isn’t for me, at least right now.  I feel that if I am going to do this, it is something I have to do for me, by me, not with someone who is possibly judging me.  That and I have not had the best experiences with counselors in the past.

I just want to start with something small, and easy that I feel I can do when I feel I am ready.  I’m very overwhelemed right now and I am not sure I can tackle anything too large until this dissertation has been finished.

Thanks for listening.


1 Comment

  1. hayes
    16/07/2011 / 22:06

    I’m trying to think of something – where’s the next/older posts button?

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