I’m still stunned and in shock over everything that has happened over the past 24 hours. I can’t even really eat or concentrate. It still doesn’t feel real to me, and all the plans I had for the next few months are just a distant memory (getting a kitty, planning a quick stage door trip, John Barrowman in November, Christmas lights in London, Hogmanay in Edinburgh . . . .). I just feel this tremendous loss at this point and it is making it hard for me to not break down every time I remember something else I was going to do.
It’s making it hard to be happy for Steph who is staying. I am so happy for her and that she found a new supervisor and it looks like smooth sailing. And I am truly happy for her. I just want to be here too. I wish I had known this was going to happen and then I would have found a way to get on a Tier 2 visa so I could stay and work. I would have loved to have moved to London to work and/or teach. That’s my dream. I hope some day it can come true.
And as much as I was worrying about writing 100k worth of dissertation, I’m even more worried about heading home, finding a job, and dealing with finances, and the grief I’m still carrying.
I know I only have myself to blame, but that’s another story for another time.
Right now the only thing I can do is pack, donate, sell, job search, and pray that I can find something quick that pays well. So if you’re in Boston and you know of any schools that are hiring or anything or know of someone who might need a room mate come Oct/Nov, send them my way if you could please.