Despite yesterday’s progress, today I feel down and frustrated. It started with a small thing; Amazon needs to charge me [and then refund me] the shipping charges for the Kindle since it is a special custom order as I got it in the UK. I can’t pay for it without a credit/bank card or a gift card. So I need to find a way to get a gift card [a place I can get to] and I’d like to do this independently, but I can’t. I know it is seemingly so insignificant, but it just makes me feel ridiculously pathetic.
I’m almost 36 years old and I feel as helpless as I did at 15 when I wanted to go to the mall and couldn’t get a ride. I don’t like asking people for help, especially for trivial things, and especially right now when I feel like I am such a burden.
I’m almost 36 years old with problems I shouldn’t have; I should have been smarter and never let myself go down this road again with financial issues.
I’m almost 36 years old, alone and single, with no prospects on the horizon. I know that one is my fault. I have trouble socializing. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t want anyone seeing me when I look this way so it is so much easier to sit and home and hide from the world. I did that in Scotland too. I didn’t make one friend there. Isn’t that kind of sad and pathetic?
I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to network to find a job. I haven’t always had the best success at jobs, I’ve always seemed to make stupid, immature mistakes [other than the last 2 really] but the first 2 teaching jobs seemed to set the scene, and I feel like I can’t get out of that loop, and feel so far displaced from when and where I started from. I know I made mistakes and could have done better [way better had I actually had a mentor and someone to lean on and get advice from].
I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to get the life I want. I sound like a petulant child, I know. But I really have no idea where I am going to go from here. I know what I want- but getting it, I just do not know if it will be possible to achieve it.
I think a lot of it it has to do with the fact I read all of these amazing blogs with happy, upbeat, positive, strong women living their lives, working, writing, exploring, and doing amazing things, and I am just trapped here in this bubble and I feel like I can’t relate to their story and that they probably can’t relate to mine.
Some of it has to do with the fact that up until 3 weeks ago I was living an independent life. I may not have had a lot, but I had freedom, I could get places, and I had someone to talk to every day, someone who also understood. And I miss that. I miss my life and my freedom. I miss the UK. I’m just not readjusting well. It’s so hard. All these things I wanted to do there, that I never did b/c I took for granted I had 3 more years if not more. And I wish I had the chance to do it all over again.