Frustrated again

Despite yesterday’s progress, today I feel down and frustrated. It started with a small thing; Amazon needs to charge me [and then refund me] the shipping charges for the Kindle since it is a special custom order as I got it in the UK. I can’t pay for it without a credit/bank card or a gift card. So I need to find a way to get a gift card [a place I can get to] and I’d like to do this independently, but I can’t. I know it is seemingly so insignificant, but it just makes me feel ridiculously pathetic.

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I feel as helpless as I did at 15 when I wanted to go to the mall and couldn’t get a ride. I don’t like asking people for help, especially for trivial things, and especially right now when I feel like I am such a burden.

 

I’m almost 36 years old with problems I shouldn’t have; I should have been smarter and never let myself go down this road again with financial issues.

 

I’m almost 36 years old, alone and single, with no prospects on the horizon. I know that one is my fault. I have trouble socializing. I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t want anyone seeing me when I look this way so it is so much easier to sit and home and hide from the world. I did that in Scotland too. I didn’t make one friend there. Isn’t that kind of sad and pathetic?

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to network to find a job. I haven’t always had the best success at jobs, I’ve always seemed to make stupid, immature mistakes [other than the last 2 really] but the first 2 teaching jobs seemed to set the scene, and I feel like I can’t get out of that loop, and feel so far displaced from when and where I started from. I know I made mistakes and could have done better [way better had I actually had a mentor and someone to lean on and get advice from].

 

I’m almost 36 years old and I have no idea how to get the life I want. I sound like a petulant child, I know. But I really have no idea where I am going to go from here. I know what I want- but getting it, I just do not know if it will be possible to achieve it.

 

I think a lot of it it has to do with the fact I read all of these amazing blogs with happy, upbeat, positive, strong women living their lives, working, writing, exploring, and doing amazing things, and I am just trapped here in this bubble and I feel like I can’t relate to their story and that they probably can’t relate to mine.

 

Some of it has to do with the fact that up until 3 weeks ago I was living an independent life. I may not have had a lot, but I had freedom, I could get places, and I had someone to talk to every day, someone who also understood. And I miss that. I miss my life and my freedom. I miss the UK. I’m just not readjusting well. It’s so hard. All these things I wanted to do there, that I never did b/c I took for granted I had 3 more years if not more. And I wish I had the chance to do it all over again.

1 Comment

  1. Amy in NY
    15/09/2011 / 15:58

    The one thing I really want to say here is that it’s always a bad idea to compare yourself to others. Nothing good comes out of it.

    Also: The great thing about the Internet is that people can portray themselves in any way they wish. No one is any the wiser. You should pride yourself on keeping it real. While I think you need to lose some of your negativity, I’m happy that you are strong and honest enough to share that. For every amazing blog post there are probably 2 or 3 things they aren’t telling you. In our stupid shallow culture it’s “important” for people to sell themselves I guess. I take blogs w a grain of salt. They could relate w your posts more than you know!

    So cheer up and focus on the positive!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

CommentLuv badge