A year ago today I started the biggest journey of my life. I wish I took more advantage of it. I wish I spent less time sitting at home in my flat and went out more. But I could say that about all my years in Boston as well. I know I am not a go outy person, but I should have tried a little bit more.
All around me people are moving on. Dates are made, races are run, weddings take place, jobs are found and started. Yet I feel frozen in time. I feel like I’ve backtracked. I feel lost. The headaches are back. I haven’t got an inkling on any jobs. I feel like at nearly 36, I am a failure. No career, no current job or prospects, no relationship. None of the things I wanted to have done at this time of my life have I achieved.
I know I am a negative person, but having all of this in my mind at all times isn’t helping and I can’t break the cycle. Can’t or won’t. It’s hard to change your entire outlook on life in an instant. Or a day, a month, a year. It’s hard to give up or change one thing you’re really good at.
I don’t know where or how to fill this space anymore. I am sure my readers are tired of the same old, same old. Unfortunately things are out of my immediate control. I can’t offer myself a job, or be picked to be a tutor, or any number of things I’m waiting on. And that’s part of the problem- not having control. I feel out of control b/c right now I am doing everything I can, and nothing is happening. As the song goes, “the waiting is the hardest part.”
Hopefully I will be back with something happier and positive. And soon.