I never knew daylight could be so violent

It’s 10pm on Saturday night. I’ve been in my jim jams since oh I don’t know 5…? Normal people go and do things on Saturday nights. I sit at home and watch Law and Order SVU or NCIS marathons on telly. (I’d have put Sherlock on but I would have had to get up to put the DVD on and that involved more effort than I felt like putting in.) I thought about watching something on the computer but I can’t pass up Stabler/Benson.

I’ve been back almost 4 months and I am still not adjusted to being back and I have no idea why. I seem to alienate everything and everyone and while I know I’ve never been described as normal, some times I just wish I was.

I spent so much of my 20’s being an idiot and not actually interacting with anyone really; I mean I don’t even know how to go out and have fun. I never did the whole bar scene, and the few times I did, I was with people I knew so I didn’t have to interact with anyone else. I can’t imagine having to do that here. I can’t even leave the house and go to a book club. I think it is all mental, I know it is all mental that I would rather sit and sulk about oh how awful everything is when it actually really isn’t that bad. Post Reichenbach feels can only be used as the excuse for so long I suppose. (I did use EOT as an excuse for a long time, if I remember correctly….so….. well I’ve never been normal)

Again, I wish my imaginary me in my head was more like real life me.

In other news, I did go on my run today. I feel like I am never going to get better or faster and be ready for this 10k. I’d like to test out how far I can go on the treadmill on the off chance that the GPS measurement is wrong, but I am sure it’s not. But since it is supposed to be nice and in the 60’s here this week, I’d rather be outside than in the gym. I never thought I would have to wish for rain in Glasgow!

As I came out through the Botanical Gardens today I felt so alone. All these people were out with their kids and pets and loved ones and friends and I feel like I am missing all of these things and then there is a part of me that thinks that I can never have these things. I can hardly keep my temper in check over the littlest stupid things, how would I manage with a partner and a child or a pet or anything at this point? Not that it would be at this point of course, but nevertheless.

I should stop thinking at this point, and I believe I shall.

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