Not good? A bit not good, yeah.

In full disclosure there is pretty much not much I won’t discuss on my blog. I’m open and honest. It’s the way I am, and I am not embarrassed about what I have to say, just so you know.

I’ve always prided myself in being smart, or at the very least thinking that I am smarter than everyone else (full of myself am I?). Of course I’ve always thought I was smarter than I actually am (never mind that case of me pretending to be Sue Ellen in 4th grade or pretty much choosing my undergrad uni b/c some guy that I liked when I was 15 went there, let’s not go there shall we?).

But sometimes I am too close to myself to realize what is actually going on with me. I assumed that (while I knew I was depressed, duh) and on anti-depressants, I would eventually snap out of all of this and be ok. (So far not happening.) I was reading the US magazine Shape the other day, and there was an article on depression, and as I was reading it, I was like, well duh. Either I am WAY more depressed than I thought (not sure that is quite accurate, Reichenbach feels not withstanding) or the meds just aren’t working any more (also duh my head hurts constantly again.)

I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out, or sub-consciously I just didn’t want to deal with it. After 3 weeks of not really being able to get out of bed and do ANYTHING except read and watch telly and maybe run some errands + reading the article made me realize- hello, wake up and smell the coffee!

Granted this puts me back in a position that I am really not 100% happy with, and that is having to discuss it with the physicians here. Not that there is anything wrong with them, but it means the whole referral back to a neurologist and the entire cycle starting again, which at this point in dealing with the headaches is just tiresome. After 6 years of the headache issue I am just tired of dealing with neurologists and people who can’t seem to come up with a definitive answer. This will be neuro #7, once I get to see one. 7 neurologists. Seriously? I mean you would think with all the bloody medical science and technology that this would have been RESOLVED by now. You would think. But no, there are days where I am ok, like right now, I am pretty much at my “normal” pain level of 2-3/10. Some days are like this. Some days are a 7 or 8 and those are the days where I want to stay in bed and hide from the world. Those days had been fewer and far between but they seem to be getting more frequent now.

Anyways getting back to the depression issue, I don’t know if it is me, but some of the doctors at the practice here make me feel awkward in talking about it, and make me feel like I should just go for a walk and it will be all good. Unfortunately for me, it just doesn’t work like that, and probably never will. I used to hope I would be one of those people who could have meds and treatment and then wean off them and be ok. I’m not. I’ve tried that before and the moment it’s out of my system I’m back where I started. I am ok with it. I’ve accepted it and I’ve moved on. I just really hate the thought of having to try a new med, being unsure if it will help or not, not to mention any potential side effects.

I’ve missed the walk in clinic for today, but at least it will get me on campus tomorrow (and then to the gym as it is rainy once again here in Scotland). I hope that whatever doctor I get, that they are willing to hear me out on this and that they will be able to give me a try on something new.

At any rate I should finish up here in the library and go to the gym before I get hungry again. I am looking forward to picking this up on my way home. 🙂 This will definitely make me smile.

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