Today Steph and I went to Girl’s Day Out- Glasgow at the SECC. This is the third time I’ve gone, and I usually enjoy it. This year there were different companies that sponsored, and it led to a less than thrilling goody bag. Past years have been crammed full of fun things, but this year we each got 3 of the same nail polish and an eyeliner. We also got coupons for discounts at local spas, but that isn’t an immediate thrill.
A lot of the reason why it sucked for me was the fact that I do not have any expendable cash at the moment, so I knew going in I couldn’t get a cheap mani or anything that I usually do for myself while I am there. It kind of made me frustrated, but at the end of the loan cycle making sure the rent and groceries are provided for is important.
I tried to get as much of the free bits out, having complementary mascara done and a demo of a really expensive curling iron. The woman who did it was friendly and asked where I was from. She asked all kids of things about why I would want to have the curling iron. And all of the variables she mentioned I answered no. She asked if I’d use it to go out with my friends to go clubbing or dinner. She asked if I would go out to dinner with my partner and do up my hair. She asked if I’d get together a group of friends and do our hair for fun. And all I could say was no. Because it’s true. I don’t have a group of friends. I don’t have a partner. I have me.
Is it that that “alone protects me” or is it just that I have gotten so used to having just one or two friends that I do things with, it’s easier? Is it because I can’t get past things from my past? Is it the fact that academia, especially research is isolating and I don’t know anyone in my office, and to be honest don’t want to know them b/c they haven’t made any attempt to say hello, never mind an actual conversation (of course I’d have to actually go in to the office more, but I am not really comfortable there). I know Steph invites me to go places with her that have groups and whatnot, but to be honest that gives me alone time at the flat and I can blast crappy music and read and do whatever just on my own.
That I know is of my own doing. I spent most of my time when I was home by myself (which was fine, it was all fine) and even before that as well. Maybe I just prefer solitude. Maybe I just don’t know what I am missing, but I do know that just being out with so many people was SO overwhelming since it has been a fair amount of time since I’ve done such a thing. Maybe at 36 and a half I’m just set in my ways and that is the way it is going to be. I just don’t know.