When I find you, I’ll find me

I participated in today’s day #fitblog on Twitter and it made me realize how much my life is different than the people that I find inspiring on a daily basis. Radically different. Being a full time grad student has made me lazy. WAY lazy. I didn’t even wake up until 2 pm today. Yes, 2 in the afternoon. In my past life, I would have already worked a full day at that point and would have just arrived home from work. I just don’t *do* anything anymore. And while that isn’t a bad thing sometimes, to just have some downtime, I just don’t do anything full stop. And I make a conscious choice to do nothing, which is sad. But it has just reached the point where too many people at one time overwhelm me, or the depression and anxiety is too much, or I just can’t be bothered. Which is sad, I know. But it is what it is and right now I am who I am. And while that may sound miserable and self pitying and pathetic, it’s just the place I am in right now. And no amount of medication or therapy is going to fix it until I am ready to fix it, and right now, other than my outward appearance, I don’t really have the desire to change it.

And that is only something I can decide to change. . . There was something, but well, I was wrong, as usual. The dreams will have to suffice for now.

Today I got up at 2, went and ran some errands, and painted my nails. That’s it, other than being online.

In my previous, more healthy life, I worked out, worked, and went home or worked, worked out, and went home. Now, there are days where I don’t even leave my flat, let alone work or work out. Now there are days where I can hardly get out of bed. There are days where doing anything more than reading is daunting. Some days are better than others.

I’ve said this before and I will say it again; I need a frigging schedule.

And I know if I go on and on about it, I just sound like such a whiny baby and no one wants to read about that.

Since its taken me hours to write/post this, it has become quite disjointed so perhaps I should quit while I am ahead.

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