Not the best of days

Today was not the best of days.  To start, I didn’t sleep very well.  I felt groggy and unrested all day.

However the part of the day that effected me the most was the weigh in and body fat determination at the gym.  I know I am overweight, very overweight.  However, it didn’t boost the little self esteem I have to find out that I am just about 50% body fat.  I just feel overwhelmed and depressed about the whole thing.  I’m not going to share all of my numbers here, at least not right now.  I feel very ashamed of myself for getting to this point, after losing 85 pounds a decade ago.  I just wish I knew then what I know now.  

Again, I feel frustrated that I am not seeing results.  I have had some advice about what I can change, but the problem is, is that means I have to give up control.  I also feel that since I already have so many food allergies and am so picky, that the thought of removing more food from my diet upsets me.  I am very reluctant to do so, considering the last time I gave up control like that, I ended up not losing weight and ended up very ill.

I read so many blogs and I’ve read so many books on the subject and from what I can understand is that depravity doesn’t work (which I have experience with) and for some neither does cutting out whole food groups.  I’ve drastically reduced portion sizes so that they are actual portion sizes.  (For example, instead of eating half a package of pasta, I eat just a serving size, and I don’t eat it every day. For the record, I eat regular plain pasta because 1. I find whole wheat pasta to taste awful, and 2. I’m on a budget.)

I’ve tried diets where I’ve cut out carbs.  I didn’t lose any weight.  In fact, last year when Steph and I tried the Dukan diet all it did was make us cranky and hungry, and we had no brain fuel to work on our dissertations.

So I have no idea what the solution is for me at this point.  I am willing to listen to any ideas that anyone may have, but I may not be able to put a lot of it to practice until mid September when my financial situation changes.  Right now it is about whatever is on sale, and in moderation!  Which is what I think it should be about, not crash dieting.

In other notes, I finally was able to get in touch with neurology and was told another referral was needed to be sent in.  This was after talking to 6 different people and being transferred all over the hospital!

I’m going to try and unwind now, and not let numbers get to me, as they are just numbers, but still I can’t help but feel that they help define me.


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