Day 8: Honesty

This post is in conjunction with the January blog a day challenge.

Hi, my name is Cindy and I have depression and anxiety.  I know I’m not the only one out there who deals with this on a daily basis, but it’s hard to think of that when you are so much in your own head- or as someone told me in college 20 years ago: “You analyze everything like you live in a fishbowl.”  This sums me up pretty well, actually.

Trying to get the right kind of help has been really, really hard, to be honest.  In my opinion, I feel that these kind of issues are treated differently here in Scotland- like I’m expected to put on a happy face and it will all magically go away.  While that may help and work for some people, it DOES NOT work for me.  I need help pharmaceutically and personally in the form of therapy which has been hard to get.  I am constantly told that the medication I know helps me is bad and evil and is poison and now that I finally have someone to talk to, it may only be a stop gap measure.  It is hard.  It’s also hard to explain and articulate what it’s like to have felt this way for 25+ years.

And then when you add the chronic daily headaches on top of it?  It’s like I’m some sort of medical anomaly that has never been seen before.  It’s hard to be believed when I come off as functioning, I have determined.  After over 7 years of having a headache every day I HAVE to function.  I have to go to work.  I have to go to uni.  I have to do my research.  I can’t just lay on the couch with a cool cloth on my head like a Victorian maiden all day (believe me I wish I could).

I honestly hope that this will be the year where at least one of these things can be “fixed” so that I can work on fixing the rest, or at least be able to feel like I can live again.  I’ve lost a good portion of my 20’s and all of my 30’s so far not feeling like I can be myself, or just being completely unable to function outside of what is needed for survival.

To be honest, I just want to be believed, valued, taken seriously, and validated.  That shouldn’t be too much to ask, right?

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