Let me be honest

This morning I read Jennifer’s post on why she doesn’t like the DietBet phenomenon.  I was really struck by it, and I’ve been ruminating on it all day.  I’ve been trying to put my thoughts into words, and it made me realize that I need to be honest.

I’m the someone that “needs” something like DietBet.  I’m the market.  And I’m going to be honest as to why.

According to all the charts, I am clinically obese.  (While I know BMI doesn’t mean everything, especially on an individual level, it does have its merits.)

There is a reason why there are no full length pictures (or pretty much any pictures) of me on my blog.  It’s because there are none in existence.   I have a hard time even taking face shots when I get my hair done, because I hate what I see.  I run away from cameras.  I don’t want there to be a record of me.  I don’t want to see it.  I don’t want anyone to see it.  I’m ashamed.  I’m embarrassed.

It’s hard to talk about.  I hate what I’ve become and what I look like.  I worked really hard  over a decade ago to lose weight.  I lost 85 pounds.  And then I gained it all back.

Granted, at the time, I had no idea what I was doing.  I was extremely restrictive.  I ate the same thing every day.  I never cheated.  If I missed a workout, I was a bitch.  (After being at the ER one night for a UTI until 3am, I was up at 6am to go to kickboxing.  I was that dedicated.  But in the end,  I was miserable.  I was hungry all. the. time.  But I did it.

After, everyone paid attention to me.  I got a promotion.  People talked to me.   I felt like I mattered.  It was like I got the golden ticket.

But it didn’t change who I was inside.  I was still the same person I was before I lost 85 pounds; depressed, anxious, wanting desperately to be liked, wanting to love and be loved and cared for.  And after a few months the newness wore off, and I was back to being a wallflower.

I went back to eating like I used to; I figured I lost the weight- now I can eat again!  How wrong I was.  (I think I gained 20 pounds in a month.)

Now, over a decade later, I’m trying again.  I’ve been trying (off and on, sometimes more off than on) to lose weight.  It’s taken me since last June to lose 18 pounds.  It’s discouraging.  It’s depressing.  I read all these accounts of people who lose 18 pounds in a month!  I’m lucky I can lose 2 pounds in a month.

Why?  I honestly don’t know.  It could be that I am not tracking my calories accurately.  It could be I’m eating too much/too little/not the right things.  I could have seriously damaged my metabolism from extreme dieting and jumping from one diet to the next since I was 12.  It could be the fact that I have PCOS.  It could be this damned headache.  I mean, I couldn’t even lose weight on Optifast. (890 calories a day for 3 months and I lost less than 10 pounds.  How does that even compute?)

So, I’m sure you can see that DietBet would be a huge motivator for me.  I mean I could make money, sign me up!

But . . . that would mean losing nearly 10 pounds in a month.  10 pounds in a month!?  That’s nearly half of what I’ve lost in 9 months!  I’m not sure I could do that.

DietBet purely measures what the scale says. And while the scale is an excellent tool, it doesn’t measure whether or not you PR’ed at a local 5k or on how much you deadlifted that month. It doesn’t measure inches lost.

All of that being said, I can see the appeal.  I understand why people choose to do DietBets.  Would I love to do one, sure.  But before I do, I need to see that I can do it on my own without any monetary incentive.  I need to see the scale go down.

I know I probably put far more meaning on the scale than I should.  I shouldn’t let it measure my self worth.  I shouldn’t let it dictate whether or not I have a bad day.  So for right now . . . .  I’ll have to give it some more thought.

 

What’s your take on DietBet?  

1 Comment

  1. 12/04/2013 / 15:32

    Such an honest post, Cindy..

    I feel like I need to help you.. lol. I have hopes of launching some sort of online consulting business in the early summer to do personal training, but also life coaching in a sense. I am not a psychology major nor do I have any background in counseling or anything, but I have a drive in my to make people better people. And with my personal trainer certification and knowledge of what I have seen for myself and in others, I think I can help people like you..

    Let me use you as a guinea pig and try to help you come up with a diet/exercise plan.. or at least try to guide you to what I think may work!

    Email me at jenniferhudy @ me . com if you want to chat more!

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