Entering the lion’s den

It’s been a weird week for me, mentally.  I keep teetering from one emotion to the next; one moment I can’t contemplate looking in the mirror anymore as I am so disappointed in myself, and the next I’m pondering doing something I haven’t in a really, really long time. I’m talking about dating.  (I’m also talking about being social, but not as much.)

This week alone, several things happened that have made me re-evaluate some of my life choices.  And while none of these things have anything to with me whatsoever I’m feeling an immense shitton of regret for wasting the past decade.  Oh yes, you heard me right.  Decade.  (Oh ok it’s really 9 years but the last year I was in a relationship sucked so it doesn’t count.)  I haven’t had a successful date since Tony Blair was in office.  Seriously.

Why, you might ask?  Well for starters, after I got out of the horrible relationship in 2004, I was in no position to date anyone.  I needed to step back and re-evaluate my life.  I made a bad choice with that one, and I should have gotten out a lot sooner.  I assumed I could fix him and the world would have been all wine and roses.  It wasn’t. Two, I think so low of myself that I didn’t think it fair to inflict on someone else. And then the headaches and work issues started and I was too stressed out to even think about dating.  When I did try (in 2009) it just didn’t work out.  I assumed it was all about me and that there were reasons that no one wanted to date me (besides the crazy).  And given what I’ve read online I assumed it was true: No one wants to date a fat girl.  (Read- no one wants to date me.)

So for the past few years I haven’t even bothered.  Given my above assumptions, I just never tried.  I haven’t been out to socialise here in Scotland.  I have made one friend since I moved here.  I’ve never really been out with groups from uni and I generally don’t go into my office much as it is.  The one time I did go out with a group, I felt like a total misfit.  I couldn’t relate to what they were saying, nor did I have anything to bring to the table.  (Also, having not really socialised in so long, I have no idea how to talk in a group.  It’s embarrassing.)

Anyways, back to the point.  These instances (read above) really got me thinking.  What have I been doing to achieve what I want? (nothing)  What can I do to fix it? (unsure)  Am I going to look desperate? (probably) How do I explain the fact that I haven’t dated in a decade? (oh, bollocks)  Maybe I should just join a nunnery? (they don’t take people with a history of financial issues- I checked years ago)

So, what does this mean for me?  I’m still rather unsure.  This may end up being all theoretical and I will remain forever more inside my own head.  Or, I may once again enter the lion’s den and try.

8 Comments

  1. 25/07/2013 / 19:59

    Aha. I can offer some really pessimistic stuff here.
    I have been single for 5 1/2 years, since I left my last partner. Since then I had one 6 month long really fucking stupid relationship with someone I shouldn’t have touched with a bargepole. I have wandered into internet dating a few times and then scampered out again.I just can’t deal with dating people I don’t know, which is weird and short-sighted, but I can’t not feel like that.
    Current feeling is single is good and controllable. I really don’t think that I will find someone who will fit into my life, though I would really love to.
    Don’t know if that will make you feel better or worse. However, if we both were sat in a room with B Cumberbatch, I suspect there would be trouble.
    Mercy recently posted…Jonathan Livingstone Sea-eagleMy Profile

  2. 26/07/2013 / 00:42

    I used to have a long list of things that I thought were essential in a partner, but then I binned it and now have a list with just three things:

    1) Eats with mouth closed
    2) Has a sense of humour which I just get
    3) Makes my life a nicer place to be

    Obviously it helps if the above are reciprocal 🙂

    • 27/07/2013 / 19:12

      Those sound like good qualities. Right now as long as they are the polar opposite of my ex (which shouldn’t be to hard) I’m game.
      Cindy recently posted…Big Fun Run Glasgow race recapMy Profile

  3. 26/07/2013 / 22:47

    I did a LOT of online dating back in the day. It was also how I made a bunch of friends when I first moved to Portland. I dated and met a lot of dogs. Meaning, totally not for me, losers, weirdos, they weren’t honest in their profile, etc. Despite the failures, I kept trying. Eventually I met my boyfriend (now fiance).

    One thing I will say, I had a fairly short list of “must haves” in a guy and my fiance only met maybe two or three of them when we first met. He hated hiking, I loved it. We didn’t have the same taste in music. He hated the snow, I snowshoe every winter. Etc etc. BUT I gave him a chance before crossing him off the list and I am so glad I did. He introduced me to a lot of new things, I got him into hiking and snowshoeing and he loves it now! 🙂

    So my advice is be weary of the people you meet online, but be flexible with your “must haves” and DON’T compromise the truly truly important things (i.e. wants kids, or doesn’t etc). The rest of it isn’t that important.
    Lisa recently posted…Brewing and PeddlingMy Profile

    • 27/07/2013 / 19:15

      I can be very flexible at this point. I know that I have a handful of nonnegotiables, but they are pretty much the ones that everyone has (don’t hate/kick animals, don’t be a racist, etc). I just need to get out the door, or online. And try.
      Cindy recently posted…Big Fun Run Glasgow race recapMy Profile

  4. 27/07/2013 / 20:04

    This post made me *snicker* a lot… 🙂 because I can relate. Dating is not fun. The idea alone can be horribly terrifying. However, I believe it’s something we do when we are ready. I haven’t been in a relationship for 4 years and like you, my last one w/ all of my others including my marriage were HORRID so must I really count them? I do. Because they were lessons learned. I dated for awhile and that was even more HORRID than my relationships because I just wasn’t ready. I was still trying to fill some kind of void. So, here I am. On my balcony w/ my laptop, almost 34 and single. Loving every moment of it. If you do start dating; please blog about it.
    Miss Sara recently posted…Domestic Violence Awareness Month 2013 #DVAM on #RSPTMy Profile

    • 31/07/2013 / 13:04

      I’ve still not even logged into my online dating profile. I am procrastinating because I just don’t want to face it, but I know it’s been long enough and I’ve punished myself long enough.

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