It’s been a weird week for me, mentally. I keep teetering from one emotion to the next; one moment I can’t contemplate looking in the mirror anymore as I am so disappointed in myself, and the next I’m pondering doing something I haven’t in a really, really long time. I’m talking about dating. (I’m also talking about being social, but not as much.)
This week alone, several things happened that have made me re-evaluate some of my life choices. And while none of these things have anything to with me whatsoever I’m feeling an immense shitton of regret for wasting the past decade. Oh yes, you heard me right. Decade. (Oh ok it’s really 9 years but the last year I was in a relationship sucked so it doesn’t count.) I haven’t had a successful date since Tony Blair was in office. Seriously.
Why, you might ask? Well for starters, after I got out of the horrible relationship in 2004, I was in no position to date anyone. I needed to step back and re-evaluate my life. I made a bad choice with that one, and I should have gotten out a lot sooner. I assumed I could fix him and the world would have been all wine and roses. It wasn’t. Two, I think so low of myself that I didn’t think it fair to inflict on someone else. And then the headaches and work issues started and I was too stressed out to even think about dating. When I did try (in 2009) it just didn’t work out. I assumed it was all about me and that there were reasons that no one wanted to date me (besides the crazy). And given what I’ve read online I assumed it was true: No one wants to date a fat girl. (Read- no one wants to date me.)
So for the past few years I haven’t even bothered. Given my above assumptions, I just never tried. I haven’t been out to socialise here in Scotland. I have made one friend since I moved here. I’ve never really been out with groups from uni and I generally don’t go into my office much as it is. The one time I did go out with a group, I felt like a total misfit. I couldn’t relate to what they were saying, nor did I have anything to bring to the table. (Also, having not really socialised in so long, I have no idea how to talk in a group. It’s embarrassing.)
Anyways, back to the point. These instances (read above) really got me thinking. What have I been doing to achieve what I want? (nothing) What can I do to fix it? (unsure) Am I going to look desperate? (probably) How do I explain the fact that I haven’t dated in a decade? (oh, bollocks) Maybe I should just join a nunnery? (they don’t take people with a history of financial issues- I checked years ago)
So, what does this mean for me? I’m still rather unsure. This may end up being all theoretical and I will remain forever more inside my own head. Or, I may once again enter the lion’s den and try.