So I am feeling pretty emotional after yesterday’s 10K. I was feeling really good about myself, until I compared my numbers with other people’s. And then I felt like shit.
I’ve always had a hard time comparing myself with others, and even though I’ve said time and time again I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, well that isn’t true. And right now, I feel so poorly about myself. I feel like I should have made so much more progress. I should way so much less at this point. I feel no one has noticed my progress (and this is true, but then maybe I really don’t look any different.) I feel like I should have been able to run so much faster yesterday; that I don’t know why I can’t seem to run faster than a 9 minute kilometre (on average)- when everyone else is flying past me and my running pace is most people’s stroll in the park speed. It’s such a blow to what little self-esteem I have.
And then there’s the camaraderie. I saw people out running with friends and family. I see interactions happening on Twitter and Facebook all day long. And I have such little interaction, and I feel so alone sometimes. I know that so much of this is my anxiety. I mean I couldn’t even manage to go to the running group I signed up to run with because going caused such anxiety it was very nearly making me sick. I ended up stopping because I was scared and felt alone. I couldn’t even admit it. So, like I do most things I get anxious about, I just avoided the entire subject.
And then there is the part of me that feels so alone and socially isolated with 2 friends here in Glasgow. And I have always assumed that I didn’t have any friends because I was fat. Seriously. That’s how it always was when I was a kid- no one (minus my BFF and a few others) wanted to play with me or hang around me because I was fat. Right? Or maybe, just maybe it wasn’t that at all. Maybe it’s my personality that has kept people back all these years, and I just couldn’t see it and hid behind my weight as to why I didn’t have many friends in my elementary-high school years. Yes, it changed in college, but I still had trouble socialising (and I know why), but that’s another story for another time.
And now? Now, now, I am so alone so much of the time. And now I know it is my fault. I’ve hid behind my anxiety and my weight when it really wasn’t that at all. It’s always been *me* all along.
I expected everything to change a few months ago. I went out of my comfort zone and did something. And I thought it would all change and I’d have new friends and blog friends and readers. But nothing changed.
I wonder why.