The post where I get emotional

So I am feeling pretty emotional after yesterday’s 10K.  I was feeling really good about myself, until I compared my numbers with other people’s.  And then I felt like shit.

I’ve always had a hard time comparing myself with others, and even though I’ve said time and time again I don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks of me, well that isn’t true.  And right now, I feel so poorly about myself.  I feel like I should have made so much more progress.  I should way so much less at this point.  I feel no one has noticed my progress (and this is true, but then maybe I really don’t look any different.)  I feel like I should have been able to run so much faster yesterday; that I don’t know why I can’t seem to run faster than a 9 minute kilometre (on average)- when everyone else is flying past me and my running pace is most people’s stroll in the park speed.  It’s such a blow to what little self-esteem I have.

And then there’s the camaraderie.  I saw people out running with friends and family.  I see interactions happening on Twitter and Facebook all day long.  And I have such little interaction, and I feel so alone sometimes.  I know that so much of this is my anxiety.  I mean I couldn’t even manage to go to the running group I signed up to run with because going caused such anxiety it was very nearly making me sick.  I ended up stopping because I was scared and felt alone.  I couldn’t even admit it.  So, like I do most things I get anxious about, I just avoided the entire subject.

And then there is the part of me that feels so alone and socially isolated with 2 friends here in Glasgow.  And I have always assumed that I didn’t have any friends because I was fat.  Seriously.  That’s how it always was when I was a kid- no one (minus my BFF and a few others) wanted to play with me or hang around me because I was fat.  Right?  Or maybe, just maybe it wasn’t that at all.  Maybe it’s my personality that has kept people back all these years, and I just couldn’t see it and hid behind my weight as to why I didn’t have many friends in my elementary-high school years.  Yes, it changed in college, but I still had trouble socialising (and I know why), but that’s another story for another time.

And now?  Now, now, I am so alone so much of the time.  And now I know it is my fault. I’ve hid behind my anxiety and my weight when it really wasn’t that at all.  It’s always been *me* all along.

I expected everything to change a few months ago.  I went out of my comfort zone and did something.  And I thought it would all change and I’d have new friends and blog friends and readers.  But nothing changed.

I wonder why.

10 Comments

  1. 07/10/2013 / 13:04

    Next time you see people conversing about a race on twitter, why not say “me too” you don’t have to meet up with them or anything but you can tweet together about the route/being nervous whatever. Don’t worry about what other people are doing during the race, when ever people are sprinting past me, I think meh, maybe they turned up later and just plod along at my own pace. Most people are competing against themselves.
    One big thing though, YOU RAN 10k! Congratulations! Think of all the people you are “passing” who couldn’t get out of bed/off the couch/can’t run/won’t run/aren’t brave enough.
    NO matter what the speed you achieved something – don’t forget that 😀
    *virtual hug*
    Stephanie recently posted…Cocoa BalsamicMy Profile

    • 08/10/2013 / 00:04

      Thank you. 🙂

      I do try to jump in sometimes, but I always feel like I am interrupting a “personal” conversation. Mostly, I just feel awkward.
      Cindy recently posted…The post where I get emotionalMy Profile

  2. 07/10/2013 / 13:31

    Cindy this is awful! No one should have to feel that way!

    And honestly, you just freaking ran a 10k! I don’t care if you crawled to the finishline, 6.2 miles is a BIG DEAL!! Who cares that people were going faster than you? You put in the effort and training, and honestly, do you think a year ago you could have done what you just did? Notable physical changes or not, that’s 6 miles of awesome under your belt now.

    I think the biggest issue is still that you need to start accepting yourself as you are. Be happy in the moment and be proud of where you are today from where you were. Throw yourself into the uncomfortable and just BE, girlie!

    I think maybe try the running club again, or maybe find another one. I know with Crossfit, that’s how I got completely out of my comfort zone because there were people cheering me on and rooting for me even when I was down on myself. Like this half marathon training, I never could be where I am today if it wasn’t for the support of everyone else.

    you’ll figure it out, Cindy!! 🙂
    jennifer recently posted…New to Paleo or Primal? Looking for resources? Start hereMy Profile

    • 08/10/2013 / 00:08

      You are totally right. Now if only I could get it to stay in that bit between my ears. 🙂

      There is a running club through Nike here in town, but they do ridic things all the time like 12k jaunts for fun and insane hill drills and I think that is a bit beyond me at the moment. I am going to see if the one at my gym is a bit more tame. If the whole interacting with a larger group didn’t make me so anxious, it would be so much easier.

      Thank you. 🙂
      Cindy recently posted…The post where I get emotionalMy Profile

  3. 08/10/2013 / 07:13

    What they said.

    PS – you probably picked up more readers that you realise (myself included).
    Abradypus recently posted…VolunteeringMy Profile

  4. 09/10/2013 / 11:41

    Cindy,

    You did fab! – Be proud of yourself, as I for one am super proud of YOU!

    I wonder if you remember what I posted to our running team’s FB wall, I full-heartedly believe in it (all credit to Mr. Patrick):

    ‘Runners come in all shapes, sizes, and talent levels. The most important thing is [giving your] best performance. Running is a sport that comes down to self satisfaction. To get the most satisfaction out of yourself, all you can do is give it YOUR best. Don’t compare yourself to others. Just do the best that YOU can do. If you do that, you should be completely self satisfied.’

    It has been a pleasure to have you training with us, and I know for a fact that everyone else in the group felt the exact same way. You were missed when you couldn’t make the last few sessions.

    Sam

      • 27/10/2013 / 20:46

        Cindy,

        Sorry about the delay with responding to this, but I wanted to check if Rachel is cool with my call…
        As you weren’t able to attend the classes, and pre- & post-run buzz on the big day, don’t worry about raising the minimum sponsorship goal. Okay?

        I hope you are finding your way and ENJOYING running – that’s what it should be all about!
        As you know, you’re always more than welcome to our events. You know us, everyone is very welcoming, and like YOU for the person that you are!

        All the best for the future, and a massive thank you – it was a pleasure to have you in our running team!

  5. 19/10/2013 / 20:22

    First, you ran 10K, that in itself a big achievement. Many people can’t run more than 500 meters. and 10K is a big distance.

    Before going forward, I would like say “It is easy to say, then to do ”

    Second, Try to compare yourself, with yourself. See the progress you have made. There will always be people better than us and worse than us and we tend to focus on the negative things for e.g. in this case, people running faster than you. I know it is not easy to focus on the positives always. We are human and its our nature to see negative and get sad. But we can try to change.

    Third, Being alone sometimes creates a vicious circle and we go in our shell. We need to break the shell, we need to break free, we need to think we are the best, we have to improve our self-esteem.
    There was one presentation by a lady on TED (I don’t remember her name). She said a very good quote “Fake it till you make it” and try to behave the way you want to see yourself at-least for 2 mis everyday.

    Wish you best of luck for your next 10k!
    Tora recently posted…Adzuki Beans: Scrumptious Sweet Potato Vegan BurgersMy Profile

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