Something happened to me yesterday that has me questioning how I am perceived by others. Normally, I try (and fail) to not give a shit about what people think about me, but in all honesty it does bother me when I’m not liked or I’m not doing a good job or have not had feedback about how I am doing, leading me to think I am brilliant, when I may not be.
10 years ago, I was a student teacher. I thought I was awesome. I had a great group of kids, who liked me and who were overall just amazing. At the time, personally, I was a mess. I was living at home, I was in a bad relationship, I had no money, and I was miserable. But I thought I had this one thing I was really, really good at. When the semester came to a close, I got an A. I was thrilled. What I didn’t get was a written letter of reference from the teacher I worked with. Now this could be for a million reasons, but if you had a good student teacher, why would’t you give them a good reference? It still bothers me to this day. Was I that bad?
It makes me kind of crazy to think that after all of this time that the sacrifice I made by leaving my highly compensated job to go teach was for naught. I really wonder if I am the brilliant and amazing teacher I’ve been telling myself I am for the past decade.
It makes me think about how I am perceived in all. I know I can come off strong and opinionated and loud. I know that when I get really stressed and anxious I can come off as a flake or a bit crazy. It makes me wonder how many people who have only met me once write me off because of how they have perceived me to be- a bit of a loon who is self absorbed and has a lack of social skills.
It is also one of the main reasons why I haven’t tried to date. I believe that I will be looked at and dismissed because of how I appear on the outside and it doesn’t matter how many days I run or how many races I finish because I’m still significantly fat. I won’t be perceived as a healthy, active adult, because on the outside I don’t look it.
Do you worry about what others think about you?