Where do I start?

I’ve been off the grid, because I haven’t really had much to say.  Sorry for the total randomness/brain dump ahead.

To be honest, I happened to open up my blog login because I was curious.  Someone had been talking about blog stats and how they felt that their low volume was depressing.  Honey, you don’t know low volume.  I don’t even have 200 hits this entire *month.*  (I’ve even lost several Facebook followers too.  🙁   Not that I had that many, but when you have less than 30 the lower numbers are so much more obvious.)

While that may sound whiny and passive aggressive (and quite possibly the reason that I have less than 200 views this month) it does make me feel rather pathetic, especially for the length of time that I’ve been blogging.  However, not much I can do about this at the moment. I can’t really expect people to read here, if I am not posting here, and I haven’t had anything to say that wouldn’t have been the following:  *sob* *sob* I miss Molly.  *sob* ZOMG SHERLOCK.  That pretty much sums up the first half of this month.

As for the rest of it:

Running:  Not spectacular.  I missed another training run last week and haven’t run since Sunday.  I did get all my jantastic runs in, although 2 of them were super short.  The weather isn’t helping.  I don’t like to get wet/dirty and I’ve been to lazy to go to the gym.

Planned 10K at Eton in March: Probably isn’t going to happen.  I can’t justify the cost.  While the train fare is reasonable at the moment (if I were to book today), I just can’t afford the additional cost of a hotel + food for a 10K.  I can probably find one locally or just run by myself.  I am bummed out because I was looking forward to it, but I still have vet bills to pay so . . . .

Dissertation writing: Ugh.  I have 2000 words out of 8000.  I probably need to have this sent in in a weeks time.  I just feel like I have no idea what I am doing.  I am probably over thinking it.  I am having one of those very long moments where I am doubting my ability to do this.  FML.

Headache:  Worse than usual.  🙁

Whole 30: On hold.

Reading:  I’ve read 8 novels this month so far.

This can only mean one thing . . .

It’s clear I am depressed.  Even more so than usual.  The weather, no sunlight, grieving over Molly, stressing over finances, all are just bringing me down.  I’m on an anti-depressant (I’ve been on meds for half my life now) aren’t helping.  I do feel better when I run, so it is just getting out the door that is hard (and avoiding the never-ending rain).

If you’re wondering why I am not in therapy (as I often wonder myself), it seems that the services that I am eligible for here, don’t really seem to cover talk therapy (which is what I am most familiar with and comfortable with).  I did see someone a year ago, but it wasn’t helping as she wanted to focus solely on my anxiety issues and I really just wanted to talk about my mum.   I plan on looking into what else is available (perhaps at uni) or if I have to go private or something.  I don’t know.  I do know it is my choice, and the choices I was given were not things I felt comfortable with and processes I knew I would rally against.

At any rate, that’s where I am halfway through January.  I hope the rest of the month gets better.

 (I also need to do something about my blog name, since I haven’t been to spin in ages.  Should I change it?  Suggestions?  Thoughts?)

2 Comments

  1. 15/01/2014 / 23:52

    I don’t know what uni you are at, but I was at Glasgow Uni and used the counselling service there. I think you can only use it for a limited number of sessions, but I found it helpful.
    I know how you feel about running, I feel better when I get exercise, but I struggle to get started. My aim was to do the 10K at the Edinburgh Marathon Festival in May, but i’m not sure i’ll be ready.
    I hope things look up for you soon.

    Anna x
    Anna recently posted…Mini Ice Lollies, huge treat!My Profile

  2. 09/02/2014 / 12:36

    I may have to investigate that. I did see someone through the NHS at one point and she wasn’t really very helpful. She wanted to focus on my anxiety issues and at at that point I just wanted to deal with my grief issues and there was also a personality conflict as well.

    Thank you. x

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