Maudlin Sunday

These tweets pretty much sum up how I am feeling today.

 

 

I know I spend a lot of time rehashing the past here.  I spend a far greater amount of time rehashing it in my mind.  I keep thinking that one day I just won’t care, or something or someone will come along it all those thoughts that keep me confined within myself will wither and die.

After ten years, I need to accept that it isn’t happening.

I’m not even hung up on what happened ten years ago, really.  I’m more hung up on the fact that I’ve let myself wallow like this for ten bloody years.  Ten years I could have been meeting new people and losing weight for good and raising money for charity or opening orphanages for kittens (see what I did there?).  What did I do instead?

I fucked up 2 good jobs, most likely gave myself this never ending headache by trying to find a quick fix for weight loss instead of, oh I don’t know counting calories and exercising, and moved across the pond in search of  . . .  something, and wracked up more debt than some small nations, I’m sure.

I’ve not given myself the chance to meet anyone new, avoided it all costs.  I’ve sabotaged all my weight loss efforts.  I’ve isolated myself to the point that I could feasibly go days without leaving the flat or talking to anyone if I wanted to.

The question is, what do I want more.  Do I want that full length picture?  Or is it easier to stay as I am now?

This entry was posted in deep thoughts, depression, headache, life, weight and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Maudlin Sunday

  1. Clare says:

    I feel your pain & frustration. It’s hard to not let the past drag you down but try focus bit more on the now & what you can do, always around on twitter or email if you fancy a chat

    Clare

  2. Kitty says:

    Cindy, I think you already said it… do you want the picture, or is it *EASIER* to stay as you are. That’s the problem for me. It’s hard work to get healthy again. Damn hard. And it is much easier to fall back to my old routines/habits.

    How ya doin today?
    Nice to meet you btw – came here from Jen’s (Prior fat girl) blog.
    :)
    ~Kitty

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